"As long as men have different sized willies, and women have different sized titties, true communism can never be!" _ Bascombe Toad

You ruined my life!! Love Johnny xxx


Visit the new Lowry Gallery to see the Salford artist's poignant depictions of everyday Manchester life.


Click on the image to see what this seemingly innocent politician is really like after 15 pints!
[Tracy Emin's Leg] TURNER PRIZE SHOCK!

Tracy Emin's Leg Fails To Win Top Prize

This years Turner Prize ended in controversy when Tracy Emin's much-fancied 'Leg' failed to take top honours. The coveted prize instead went to danish-born fashion photographer Nils Kraab for his homoerotic studies of landfill sites. The controversial Emin, cutting-edge avant-gardiste, somewhat the worse for drink, was said to be unmoved. "You're all just a bunch of fucking establishment reactionary bastards anyway!" she slurred.


A WORLD FAMOUS clever geezer wot does books sez there's a dead easy way to get dead good at speakin' proper. It can make you boss at sayin' fings and make you loadsa dosh an' yoo'll probly get to hang wiv dead nobby people like the queen and posh n' bex. Ee sez it'll make you totally cool an' yoo'll probly pull abaht a million birds! even sum fit ones like moduwls n' that!
An' its dead easy too, right. All wot you need to know is writ dahn in dis dead boss book "Top Inglish - The Smell of Money". An' get this, It is like totally free!!
Acording to this bloke, right, a lot of people just don't know how much infulence you got over uvvers just speakin' an' writin' proper like wot they duz in 'Eastenders', I mean they've awl been to top actin' schools like LADA n' that, lernin' how ta speek fur years n' yeers n' that. But, get this, you can do awl a dat az well!! No messin'!! Nex fing, yoo cud be on sum top show like 'Trisha' or summink, slaggin orf yer 'owld bird n' gettin' loadsa fanmail offa lowdsa singul muvvers wots gaggin' for it! AND they probly sling ya a loada dosh on top!! What a crack!!!
Nuff Respec
You dahnt nevvah gotta be fraid a gettin' fings rong agin. Everyfink yoo doo is gonna be spot on. Yoo'll know loadsa wurds, bowf speekin' an ritin', an yoo'll prbly be able to read as well. You'll 'ave loadsa chat, do good grammer an' awl that. On toppa that, people wot speek gud get nuff respect, coz people can see like they got a top barain. You could probly be yor own brief in Corwt!
So as yoo wot is lookin' at dis paper can get a 'andle on dis easy-ta-folla meffod for da masterin ov Inglish, the publishers of dis book 'ave set it out in this book-fing "Top Inglish". But basically wot it is is stop watchin' shite on tha TV, an' worse, lettin' yer kids watch shite on tha TV, an set an example by torkin' propah an' reedin' a book once in a wile! _ kultcha secratry, Chris Smiff

[Sprout] COLOMBIAN SPROUT (brassica olerabis sattiva)
A small, relatively mild, nonaddictive cabbage with hallucinogenic properties. Colombian sprout produces a dreamy, euphoric state of altered consciousness, with feelings of detachment, gaiety and flatulence. The appetite is usually enhanced, while the sex drive may increase or decrease. Adverse reactions are relatively rare, paranoia and windiness. Sprout has been used experimentally to reduce nausea from cancer chemotherapy and in the treatment of glaucoma.
Despite the fact that successive governments can find nothing wrong with sprout other than a tendency to pacifism, laughter and the questioning of established values, it continues to be illegal. The Colombian sprout fields are regularly napalmed by the US government. Otherwise innocent greengrocers are subject to police raids and the seizure of their vegetables. The family sunday lunch is no longer safe! Does it make sense to continue to criminalise the 10% of the population who are regular sprout-eaters when alcohol-fuelled thugs and vandals are considered acceptable? When there are now more otherwise law-abiding sprout-eaters in the UK than there are regular church-goers, what is the sense in this? Has the world gone raving mad!

Police Are Looking for Three Suspects in a White Van

[Dorothy] Police are seeking the public's help in the search for three suspects responsible for another sensless act of drive-by-poetry involving a 21 year old woman earlier today.
Police now believe the unsolicited poetry-reading was a random act. It occurred shortly before 1.30am when the unamed woman was walking home. A white van was seen to slow down as it approached the woman. One of the occupants wound down his window and proceeded to recite poetry through a bullhorn before driving away at speed.
The woman was understandably shocked and is being comforted by relatives. Police poetry experts have managed to identify the offending piece as 'luminous tendril of celestial wish' by the american poet E. E. Cummings.
Inspector Whelk of the English Literature Squad told our reporter: "We take a very dim view of these drive-by-readings. The situation is becoming increasingly alarming. It was bad enough when they were exposing innocent passers-by to the likes of Shelley, Wordsworth and Keats. But they are now becoming much bolder with this wilful use of the modern american idiom. These gangs must be stopped now before some real harm is done."

[Republic] REPUBLIC 2000 - mmmm YES PLEASE!

Isn't it about time we grew up and had a republic in this country? Became citizens instead of subjects? Or are we just going to carry on watching this ridiculous royal soap opera, doffing our caps to the undeserving rich until the demon blood-sporty-spice popstar prince takes over. Please! Lets Get Real!

"If he was a decent man, he would abdicate." _ John Milton
(on being told some other charlie was a decent man and would make a good king)

8th Jan 2001: Prince Charles falls off his horse and breaks a bone in his shoulder this week while he is out slaughtering some innocent wildlife. (56% of the population are republicans and 96% want fox-hunting outlawed. Are we to continue being ignored in this 'democracy' of ours?)

[Euro Flag]

As the European Union expands and we get to add more stars, wouldn't it be nice to have a flag that says 'we're human, we're friendly, we're in the business of making people happy'. Well, I think it would for a kick off. A people-power, people-friendly flag, let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it!

[BBC Tartan]
Och aye, here he comes dressed in his finest BBC tartan, tae reed tha Noo's and get paid a muwllion poond! Now, I'm not messing but, for a nation that makes up about 8% of the population, the Scots do seem to be very well represented in the BBC. Is there not a case for examining recruitment policy with emphasis upon equal opportunities? Especially as this is an institution that extorts about 2 billion a year from it's predominantly english audience. And what about the West Lothian question, and how many scots are in Mr Blair's cabinet? (that's the Blair tartan on the left by the way)
Sunday Express, Dec 31st 2000: "It was claimed north of the border last week that besides 72 Scottish MPs there are about 70 more in England. Tony Blair was born and educated in Scotland."

Well, just look at it's record. Doesn't look good does it... Faith requires the suspension of reason, obedience to a spiritual hierarchy and breeds intolerance, madness and murder. It really is not good enough that so-called authority figures should be telling innocent children about torture and death and then lay some sick guilt trip on them saying that it all happened because of their sins. Personally I find this totally repugnant and irresponsible. And it's not just christians at it. It's the lot of them. As far as I can see about the only decent ones are the buddhists. And it is certainly not a suitable subject to be taught in schools other than in the context of sociology or history. In it's place we should put the quest for truth, ethics, morality and social skills. Roll on a new tomorrow...
[Mince Pies]

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